HONEY, DO
(R. Stark)

When we got hitched, I swore I'd do my best to care for you.
Now I clean your house, and I cook your meals, I scrub your undies, too.
I maintain my girlish figure, cultivate a healthy tan,
and I've learned at least a million tips on to please your man.

But I've never seen you cut the grass of take the garbage out,
and as for romance, you ain't got a clue what that's about.
I don't mean to suggest that you do not pull your own weight:
You work real hard at stayin' drunk and chasin' jailbait.

But this doormat thing is getting tired,
so if you want to keep your wife, my friend, it's time to get inspired, and darlin':

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You do the lovin' or I'll do the leavin'.
I'll do the lyin', and you the believin',
I'll do the drinkin' and the honkytonkin',
you do the cryin' and the sweet-talkin'.
If you want me 'round, you best believe
that you do the lovin' or I'll do the leavin'.

Well, you were such a charmer on the day that we first met,
and I took to you like ducklings take to getting their feet wet.
I'd highly recommend that you revisit your old skills
unless you want to spend next month down at the Ranch-O-Mar Motel

Because it'd be more than fair of me to leave,
but I'll give you one chance to pitch in and roll up those handsome sleeves, and darlin':

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Because this marriage lacks some reciprocity,
and I've written out a list of things that you can do for me:

Honey, do take a message if a friend should call for me.
Honey, do keep the refrigerator full of MGD.
Honey, do put the seat down. Yes, dear, every single time.
Honey, try not to forget your ass is mine.

Well, if you think these threats are empty, honey, you might be surprised
when you wake up to find the skillet cold and the coffee pot bone dry.
I'd happily pull up my stakes and bid you toodle-oo.
If you want me to stick around, well, here's what you should do:

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